Travels of an UnSue MarySue
by NenyaVilyaNenya
Summary: Clumsy first time off world with Lorne, Beckett, and the local wildlife, people, and drink. And a little back in Atlantis. [EPILOGUE MontyPython Night]
1. Chapter 1

**Summary: **Clumsy first time off world with Lorne, Beckett, and the local wildlife, people, and drink. The new doctor makes a complete fool of herself. Mary Sue Challenge without romance Thank Heavens.

**Placement:** early Season 2

**Rating: **Teen

**Genre:** Humor/General

**Characters:** Dr. Santella, Lorne, Beckett, and some of Lorne's team, Cadman later on.

**Disclaimers: **This is my response to a Mary Sue Challenge from sliverofwingless posted by Lady Valmar at the forbiddengalaxies yahoo group.

_Criteria/Rules: You cannot be on any team, including Sheppard's, that already has positions filled and you can't take a job already filled up. (Ex: Chief Doctor Beckett...you can't steal his job.) Also unless it is necessary for the job you've selected, you may not have the Gene, natural or otherwise. Your job can be anything excluding obscure jobs like a Wraith hunter or be an Athosian with Wraith abilities etc. There will be no sexual scenes, dates, pre-relationship or in relationship type stuff...attraction is fine. Must contain at least some small humor in scene and should have you interacting with one of the characters of Atlantis._

**A/N:** This is in my POV (since I'm technically the Mary Sue of course)_  
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**Travels of an UnSue Mary Sue**

**By NenyaVilyaNenya**

Why did I think volunteering was I good idea? This is insane.

"Doctor? Are you ready?" Major Lorne clipped his P90 to his vest and gestured to the event horizon.

Like I'm ready to just step through a big puddle and expect to be on _another planet_. "Yes." I gripped the straps of my pack. A damn heavy pack. I must have looked like a turtle with that giant thing. Even Dr. Beckett looked rather like a turtle with his.

"Move out." Major Lorne instructed to his men… Coffman and Reed… I couldn't remember which was which though, and to make things worse, they had different ranks and their names weren't on their uniforms. Aren't the military supposed to have their names on uniforms? Maybe I could've tried a peek at their dog tags… On second thought, that would have been a little ridiculous.

The two men walked into the giant puddle as if it was an everyday occurrence. So maybe here it is, but back home the closest thing to interstellar travel was watching Star Trek.

Dr. Beckett assured me as he stood right in front of the event horizon, "It'll be fine lass."

Fighting back a snort, I started taking the few steps to his side. Who was he calling a lass? _Miss_ I've been called, but _lass_? Besides, isn't he the one that doesn't like Stargate travel? At least that's what the others in the lab told me when they found out I was being dragged along on the mission to M7X-968 to see how far the locals had come in their study of medicine, DNA, nucleic acids, and other biomolecules. And he just _has_ to have that wonderful accent. Doesn't he realize what qualities it adds to his already good looks?

Major Lorne placed a hand behind my back… pack really as I stepped up next to Dr. Beckett. His team was escorting us to the planet… essentially babysitting. Not that I was about to complain about having two marines and an Air Force Major with me on my first trip off world. Major Lorne's not too bad looking either.

Oh, so that's how they convinced me going off world was a good idea.

Bastards.

They did this on purpose.

With a deep breath, I barely registered Major Lorne's comment dealing with something about the first time through the Stargate and took a step through.

The next thing I knew, I was stumbling forward from the unexpected force of the wormhole and Major Lorne grabbed for me.

"Oomph!" The platform had come up to meet me, or rather I fell down to meet it. "Ow." I looked to my left and saw Major Lorne already pushing himself off the steps, where he had fallen a little ahead of me somehow.

"I'll help you up." Dr. Beckett held out his hand, and I stumbled to my feet, it being harder due to the pack. Why did I bring this much crap along?

"Thank you." I gave him a grateful smile before turning to my unfortunate victim, "I'm so sorry Major." Not only did I take him out, it was in front of his men. Who were snickering as discreetly as they could. Oh god, I hadn't even been off world for a minute and I made a fool of myself.

Major Lorne straightened out his vest, "It's okay. It's not everyday I can say a biochemist succeeded where others haven't." He gingerly touched his nose and wiped a trickle of blood.

"Let me see." Doctor Beckett walked over to him, but Major Lorne brushed him away.

"It can wait until we're back home."

Oh god, I broke the man's nose.

Dr. Beckett insisted, "At least give me a minute."

"Alright." Major Lorne stayed still as Dr. Beckett was doing whatever he was doing. Medicine isn't my thing exactly. At least not in the traditional sense with broken bones and surgeries. I deal with cellular components – proteins, lipids, DNA, carbohydrates, plasmids, and how systems of a cell interact. Besides carrying out my own work here, I'm assigned to studying the effects of the Wraith enzyme on cells, human and animal.

Coffman and Reed, whichever was which, were talking to each other as I stood awkwardly. They were probably talking about me beating up their commanding officer.

I. Broke. His. Nose.

How the hell do I manage to hurt people? Me, never broken anything. Not a sprain. Never been to the hospital for myself. But, I managed to send my brother to the ER from the YMCA for stitches and now I broke a Major in the Air Force's nose.

Dr. Beckett wrapped up and Major Lorne announced, "Let's move."

I apologized again. "I'm so sorry…"

"Don't worry about it." He shot me the tinniest hint of a smile buried underneath what I read as annoyance, but his voice didn't sound bitter or terse… so that was good.

Reed and Coffman, one blondish and he other taller, took the front while I found myself walking in between Dr. Beckett and Major Lorne. Not a bad place to be, but I wanted to shrink into a ball. Major Lorne's nose must really hurt him… the closest I've been to breaking something was when I was punched in the nose. It hurt for days.

The four men were talking about something or another while I looked around. We were walking through a grassy field, the grass reaching our knees. Their knees, my lower thigh to be exact. The little differences a few inches in height make. Forested lines were to our left and to our right and random trees dotted the field. The scenery was remarkably like back home in the Midwest - low hills, fields of wildflowers, and patches of woods. Though it had a few alien touches such as a small lime green bird not in the middle of a rain forest. Huh. Well, I suppose it makes sense that an inhabited planet must have the basic qualities to support life as we know it so it would look similar-

What the-? The top of my forehead hit something and I lifted my hand and my eyes to investigate… the tree branch.

Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett were looking back at me and I sheepishly picked up pace to walk with them. "The Alien tree had it in for me."

Dr. Beckett chuckled. The past week and a half since I arrived in Atlantis has certainly been made easier by having a boss like him. He's polite, caring, and sweet. I hope I don't get on his bad side, I bet he's the type of person you'd better run from if he was ever truly angry.

Major Lorne also laughed, "You never know when plant life can get nasty."

"I've never been good with plants. They all died on me whether they were in the garden or the house." I rubbed my forehead, hoping there wouldn't be a mark. The hat should prevent that… right?

"Maybe it sensed it and wanted revenge."

"That'd be my luck." God, I must give off the stereotypical clumsy-geek-scientist-going to get us all killed vibe. "The woods were always kind to me though."

"Do you go camping?"

"Yeah." Wait, how did I get into a conversation with the man whose nose I broke? And when did my boss go and strike up a conversation with Reed and Coffman? Or is it Coffman and Reed… Gah! The one on the left is hereby know as the blonde one, and the one on the right is the tall one.

"You actually get out of the lab then." He replied with a smirk.

"Yeah, but I love the lab. My friends in undergrad even got me a lab coat with 'Dr.' embroidered before my name. I pretty much had to get a PhD in something after that." Oh the memories… "But I'm an outdoors person. Camping, hiking, canoeing, even just sitting out in the breeze." Oh god, I'm rambling. Stop it!

"You hate plants but like the outdoors? Seems odd to me."

I shrugged, "It seems normal to me." It was time to get off the subject of me, why was he so interested anyway? "So what do you do in your spare time, Major?" I made sure my ponytail was still tight through the cap and the remnants of dark brown bangs were brushed away from my face. "Try to fly anything under the sun?" Maybe he just didn't want to walk in silence all the way to the village.

"I have hobbies-"

Out of the corner of my eye I spotted something and not caring I was giving a really good impression of a fish, I grabbed his arm, causing him to stop his reply.

"Doctor?" He followed where I pointing and instantly moved so he was in between me and the … giant rabbit?

"Coffman, Reed!" He hissed quietly.

They stopped and Major Lorne ushered me over to Dr. Beckett. Just inside the tree line to left was a rabbit about the size of my car. But taller when it stood up. It was jet black and chomping at leaves. In all resemblances, it was a giant fuzzy rabbit, floppy ears and al, but with a longer face than the typical wild Earth rabbit.

I'm saying –Earth- like I've been traveling to other planets for years… Gah!

Major Lorne and his men had their P90s trained on it. "There's something you don't see every day."

I bit back a laugh as I noticed my boss had his arm stretched out in front of me. How was that going to protect me from a giant rabbit? It's sweet though.

"It seems docile, sir." Coffman observed as it licked its paw and them rubbed its face. Or was that Reed? No, it's the blonde one. Damn it, why doesn't someone just say one of their names?

The tall one added, "And it's obviously an herbivore, so it shouldn't attack unless provoked, sir."

"Then let's not provoke it. Keep moving. We don't want to leave the Stineans waiting."

I was backing away already, after having a thought about a white killer rabbit with pointy teeth that seemed perfectly cute until it flew and ripped at the knights' throats. I found my way blocked and reached my hand out behind me, feeling fur.

My rather loud high-pitched scream caused the men to snap their heads around while both of the giant rabbits started screeching because of my scream.

"Shit."

As Dr. Beckett was trying to calm me down, I looked around at what Major Lorne was referring to. We were becoming surrounded by giant rabbits coming in from both tree lines. The two had called their buddies.

Oops.

And guess what?

They were barring very large and very pointy teeth and were headed straight for us.

Before I knew it, the blonde Marine was pulling me in the direction of the village and shots were fired. I peered behind me and deduced the shots were meant to scare off the giant rabbits as I saw Major Lorne and the tall one fire shots into the dirt. Dr. Beckett was right behind me.

We hustled through the field as it became crowded with giant black rabbits hopping after us. Our speed wasn't as fast as it could have been due to the fact my boss and I were weighed down.

We finally put distance between us and them, apparently they just wanted us nowhere near them. I caught a glimpse of one's black butt leisurely heading in the opposite direction.

"Let's take a moment." Major Lorne ordered once we were out of _that_ field and into one with much shorter grasses.

Major Lorne had this look of never wanting to escort me off world again.

Reed and Coffman just shook their heads, I couldn't tell if it was amusedly or out of anger. Maybe a mix.

Feeling rather dejected, I took a few steps away from the men and picked a candy-apple red flower. Maybe I'd try my luck with plants again. At least they can't talk and look at you funny and you can't break their noses.

Dr. Beckett came up next to me and whispered, "Don't worry. This beats my first time off world."

I wondered if that was a good or a bad thing.

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**A/N:** Hope you enjoyed it. Leave me a little something :-) 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N:** I'm fairly surprised people liked this and the new doctor. This all started with a Mary Sue Challenge, so she is modeled after me but older and with a PhD... I guess I'm a likeable person?

Thank you for taking the time to review and read.

Well, I don't want to disappoint by _not_ continuing, so welcome to the next installment. Enjoy!**  
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Chapter 2**

"Does it really?"

"Aye. Anything that involves being volunteered couldn't have ended to well." Dr. Beckett directed his gaze to the empty field ahead of us.

"I suppose not." Note to self, something terrible happened on the boss's first mission and never bring it up. Wait… he didn't exactly volunteer for that mission and he volunteered me? Okay, so technically I did volunteer but when a good looking man with a Scottish accent speaks in front of you about a nice little research mission to a calm little planet and then a man like Major Lorne walks in… well. My hand went up along with a few others, without my realizing that particular factor, but since I was the only one without any off world experience, it seemed like a great mission for me to go on.

I bet they're regretting that decision.

Major Lorne rubbed his face with both hands and I could tell he took a deep breath. "There's not much distance to cover before the village. Make this walk as short as possible." He walked ahead with the blonde Marine.

He was hiding his irritation well, but I'm fairly good at reading people… or unless I was analyzing it too much. Nah, I don't think so. I made a mess of the whole thing and not in the best ways. Besides, his nose was starting to turn colors. There has to be some way to make it up to him.

Dr. Beckett and the tall one were beside me. Unfortunately, the Marine was to my right and my boss was out at the far end, so all hopes of a buffer was gone. We couldn't walk in silence but I couldn't strike up conversation if I didn't know how to address him.

It was one disaster after the other since I stepped through the Stargate.

Fortunately, Dr. Beckett started a conversation with the Marine, but somehow without using his name or rank. It's a conspiracy.

They were discussing something about Atlantis, but I was so lost in the conversation I didn't bother joining in. I'm not comfortable jumping in a conversation that wasn't my own, especially with people I hardly know.

A couple of months ago I was perfectly content in my lab with colleagues I had know for years, comfortable in my lab coat and with my rarely used desk chair with a high cushioned back, swivel stool, and wide seat so I could sit crossed legged. It was barely used though unless I was crunching data and not running around with the experiments. I watched sci-fi shows and movies, laughing at the ridiculousness of made-for-TV sci-fi movies, and spent more time than I'll admit memorizing the adventures of a Winnebago in space and a movie with a great soundtrack about a teenage girl and a goblin king, aka David Bowie.

Now I was running around on another planet in another galaxy in a military uniform with strangers, humming 'Dance Magic Dance.'

I always thought the government and military had hidden a lot of secret projects from the public, but this I could hardly imagine. There was only one person I knew who could have, my best friend from all the way back in undergrad. She's the type who believes the government is listening to every word we say through the ceiling and never turns a light on in her house.

She's a medical doctor in Chicago.

Pretty scary, huh?

But she wouldn't do well out here. She tends to freak out, so seeing an alien… oh boy.

My other best friend… maybe. Though she'd be the one in the lab at five in the morning with a sleeping bag, a pillow, and a little Zen garden complete with a water fountain in the corner watching Anime on her nineteen inch monitor. Her quarters would never be used except for changing clothes and showering.

She's a chemist specializing in botanical toxins and compounds. Never make her angry or you'll find yourself with a natural, tasteless laxative in your coffee and this wicked powdered compound all over your desk that causes one hell of a rash.

I must have started laughing at the memory of a certain lab tech that made that mistake since I noticed all four men looking at me strangely. They must've thought I was nuts.

Blushing, I averted my gaze from them to up ahead. The village was finally in sight. I motioned to it, "Civilization ahead."

"Once we get there, we'll head straight to the meeting hall for the brunch with the Vector." The Major turned back around and led the way to the village.

I really must have looked gloomy despite summoning up all of my high school drama club experience because my boss moved over next to me.

"Very flattering things have been said about the Stineans, there's nothing to worry about."

"Famous lat words, Dr. Beckett."

He chuckled again, "There's no wildlife to riot into a panic in the labs."

"So you think."

We weaved our way through the wooden houses and buildings. Some were pretty tall for a village, reaching at least four stories, and 'city' better described the place. The roads were paved with colorful bricks of deep blues, rich reds, and browns. Apparently, the Stineans were more advanced than they put on because by the looks of it, these people wouldn't even know what the basic elements were.

… To be fair, maybe they know about a few since some elements have been know on Earth since the Ancient Greeks and Romans.

We stopped in front of a four story building and I hastily took off my hat and let my hair fall loose, straightening it as best I could. We were going to a brunch after all.

The building had a wrap around porch and deep green patio-like furniture with simple columns. But upon closer inspection wavy intricate patterns could be seen.

A man dressed in a charcoal brown… suit opened to double doors from the inside and stepped to the side to make room for us.

Major Lorne ascended the five steps and crossed the porch with us behind him.

"This is dazzling." Dr. Beckett commented once we were inside.

"Very." One of the last things I expected the inside to look like was classic Middle Eastern.

An open staircase was directly in front of us, dividing to the left and right on the next floor. A multitude of separate vaults elevated the ceiling and there were pointed archways instead of square doorways to both sides of the … lobby. A desk spanned both sides of the staircase. The vaults and walls were tiles with intricate depictions of flowers, and silk wall hangings of deep red and gold stitching added to the beauty of the room.

Of course, there were guards posted at the staircase and in the corners of the lobby with rather sharp looking swords strapped to their backs and holsters on their hips.

A man that towered over both Major Lorne and Dr. Beckett came out of an arched doorway on the left. If it wasn't for his amber brown hair being pulled back into a braid and an outfit that looked as if it was sewn from one of the silk tapestries, but baby blue with white flowers and silver thread, he would have been the spitting image of my godfather, without glasses. They had the same narrow shoulders, thin frame, and square face. Beside him was a redheaded woman in a flowy white silk dress but unlike the man's, the only pattern was trimming at the hem, collar, and the edge of her sleeves.

"I'm Vector Lotun Vain, this is my wife Adelle. Welcome to Stinea."

Biting back a giggle that a man who dressed in all silk had a last name of 'vain,' I smiled at them.

"I'm Major Lorne," he gestured to us accordingly, "Dr's Beckett and Santella, Lt. Reed, and Capt. Coffman."

Which one was who? Damn it, I was too busy staring at that beautiful dress. Hmm, maybe I could get one…I felt extremely underdressed.

"Good to meet you all. The doormen can take your things before we sit down." The Vector gestured to the man in the brown suit that had moved to the side of us but there was another man with him, dressed similarly.

"The doctors would be glad to check their packs, but I'd like my men and I to keep our… belongings."

"Surely eating with such weapons attached to your vest would not be comfortable." The woman… her name slipped my mind already, answered before her husband could.

I could see the Major considering his options before responding, "We can check these." He unclipped his P90 and making sure the safety was on, handed it to one of the doormen along with his vest. Both Lt. Reed and Capt. Coffman followed suit, all keeping their sidearms. Dr. Beckett and I took off our packs and vests and handed them over too. My shoulders were very grateful. My own sidearm stayed, even though 9mm's aren't my favorite. I'd much rather have my .22 my dad got me, but I couldn't complain.

"We're about ready to begin if you'd follow us," Vector Vain replied. I could get used to saying that… Vector Vain, Vectorvain, Vain Vector…

Major Lorne nodded, "Be happy to."

We followed the couple in charge to a different room than they came out of. A rectangular polished wooden table with room for twelve was directly in the center of the room. It was already set with silver colored plates, clear crystalline glasses both tall and short, white bowls, silverware, and candlesticks. A man and two women, servers I assumed since they were all dressed alike in maroon, were already in the room.

Vector Vain stood behind the head chair, his wife to his right.

We were shown to our seats by the servers - Major Lorne to the Vector's left next to… erm… the blonde Marine, while I found myself next to Mrs. Vain. Dr. Beckett and the tall Marine filled in on my side.

"Please excuse my second and third, they seem to be running late."

So that's who the two empty place settings on the other side of the table belong to.

"We all have those days." Major Lorne didn't move as one of the servers poured water in his glass.

"I trust you had a pleasant trip here from the Ring." Mrs. Vain passed her eyes from Major Lorne over all of us as the servers went around the table with water.

My body suddenly got very small as she looked at me so damn nicely, not suspecting I was this big ol' clumsy idiot. Did she _not_ notice his bruising nose or what? Maybe she was only being diplomatic.

"You have a lovely planet."

I could almost hug Dr. Beckett for avoiding the direct question.

"Except for those black rabbits."

Major Lorne got my best and, so I thought, most subtle glare. His eyes flashed over to mine and I swear he was grinning a little bit.

The Vector questioned, "Rabbits? Do you mean the erberts? They're easily the size of a dozen people and travel in herds."

Major Lorne nodded, "Those would be it."

"They're very docile creatures. Unless they become startled." He eyed all of us and I started to feel like the Incredible Shrinking Woman.

"We found that out the hard way." The Major picked up his glass and sipped.

Dr. Beckett patted my knee gently, out of pity I thought. Why did we have to eat with the local government? Couldn't we just get up and go to their labs?

Mrs. Vain leaned over and quietly said so only I could hear, "So has my husband."

Oh god. She must've deduced from my behavior I was the one who scared the giant rabbits and was trying to make me feel better. "I didn't mean to. I've never seen such an animal before."

"It's perfectly understandable. Each world has something unique."

The Vector rose from his chair, and consequently everyone else. When in Rome I guess. Vector and Mrs. Vain greeted a man and a woman dressed similarly to them in a different language, and instead of shaking hands they gripped the other's forearms.

The Vector turned to us, "This is Arbiter Fremen, and her husband Arbiter Webster Fremen."

Webster? There's a man in another galaxy named _Webster_? What were his parents on when they named him?

I looked around and didn't see the military men even flinch, but they're probably trained to be all stoic. Dr. Beckett seemed a little amused, though not as much as me.

Introductions went around, again, but this time I picked up on which Marine was which.

Once we were all seated, the servers came around with canters of a brown liquid, the alcohol's smell reaching my senses as soon as one of the women servers poured my small glass. I wasn't planning on drinking much of it, I'm practically a lightweight.

Vector Vain announced as he picked up his glass, "Let's drink to our ongoing friendship."

Okay, a sip I could handle. I held mine up like everyone else and we all drank. It burned on my lips and in my mouth, but I didn't drink much. Looking around I noticed everyone drank _all_ of it. Shit. When in Rome… right? I downed the glass and tried not to cough as my throat burned and I instantly reached for my water glass. That had to have easily been the equivalent of two regular drinks. No more alcohol for me.

Luckily, that was the end of the toasting and they started to bring the food out. I tested it cautiously, but it was surprisingly pretty good. My first meal with aliens… there were meats, salads in the broad sense not just like lettuce. It all seemed fairly normal, just ethnic. Okay so the soup was pink, fluorescent pink, but it was good. Almost like eating liquid cotton candy. I couldn't understand why the other Earthlings barely touched it. The servers also poured everyone a medium sized glass of a bright blue fruity drink that reminded me of Kool-Aid my mom and I used to make but way better.

Everyone was chatting, but I stayed fairly silent. Dinner parties aren't my thing, especially with people I didn't know. I nodded my head, laughed, and smiled at appropriate places in the large conversation adding only little comments. When it turned more somber with talk of the Wraith cullings, I became somber too. Towards the end of the meal, the group broke up into little cliques of conversation and I inspected what I had dubbed the Kool-Aid.

The flavor escaped me, it wasn't fruit-punchy nor blueberry. Or berry-like at all… maybe banana-kiwi. Blue banana-kiwi. Huh. Yep, I was definitely in another galaxy.

I drank the rest of my glass and as soon as I set it down, it was filled by one of the women servers. They weren't anything but quick. I smiled in appreciation and took a large sip.

Mrs. Vain was chatting with her husband and the Major and must have seen the server pour a second glass for me because she turned to me, "I'm surprised a woman of your size can handle so much airwe."

Uh… what? "I'm not sure I know what you mean."

"It possesses high levels of alcohol, though one cannot taste it." She cocked her head questionably so her red hair fell from her shoulder, "Did you not hear Arbiter Webster Fremen's comment?"

NO! Oh god! "Of course." I covered hiding my shock. "Did you mean because I'm a petite woman?" Let's NOT drink anymore of that…

"Yes."

Shrugging my shoulders I replied, "I have an older brother." This didn't mean anything in reality because he moved out of state when I was in high school ... and I'm a lightweight! A peculiar one though because I can have five drinks and be perfectly fine with only little effects as long as they're spaced out over hours, but then that sixth will hit like a ton of bricks. Uh oh… I was getting pretty groggy…

"Say no more." She smiled and changed the subject, "I understand you're a biochemist?"

"Yes, along with a molecular biologist."

"Fascinating, my sister's specialty parallels yours."

"Will I be meeting her later then?" My eyes glanced at the servers who were running around picking up plates that were starting to be cleaned of food.

"Oh yes, she would have been here but she's occupied compiling information for you and Dr. Beckett."

"I'm sure it will be intriguing reading. I always enjoy reading others' work, it gives a different perspective."

"I agree."

In a couple minutes, we were leaving so I stood up and at the lightheadedness that decided to attack me, sat back down to get my bearings. I made it to my feet more carefully, hoping to God that I wouldn't do anything stupid like that night after graduation when we all jumped into the Chippewa River in our underwear, tried to swim across to the grocery store, and almost got swept down into the… does the Chip lead into the Mississippi? Hmm. I should look that up…

When I looked around I found myself walking along with my boss with the wonderful accent and Mrs. Vain out to the lobby. We picked up our gear from the desk, and I swore to myself for bringing so much along, especially now because all of those drinks were really starting to hit me. I clicked the vest on after some difficulty and got the pack around my shoulders again.

My boss said something and trotted off after Mrs. Vain while the others were getting their gear.

Oh, wait, what did he say in that wonderful voice if his?

He turned back around and motioned to me.

Oh…so I was supposed to go too… to where exactly? I followed them down a staircase hidden behind a door in one of the vaults I had no idea _was_ a door with Major Lorne behind us. Did I mention how handsome he is? Oooh and I really wanted that dress she's wearing.

Wait, were the labs _underground_? Why did that sound familiar? I gripped the railing tightly since stairs weren't the best thing for me to be walking down. Mrs. Vain, Dr. Accent, and Major Cutie were talking, but I wasn't listening since I was too focused on not falling over and swaying and trying to come up with an answer to how the hell this seemed so familiar.

It hit me. -Oh, right, the briefing.-

Then -Shit, I'm drunk- hit me also.

Somehow, I made it down the two flights of stairs that came out to the underground level of labs and silently thanked whoever up there made that possible. Hmm, maybe it was the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Or Bob.

But now we had to walk and I was feeling worse than I was only a minute before.

Chanting to myself –don't pass out, don't fall over, don't pass out, don't fall over- I tried doing just that, and failed.

I introduced myself to the stone floor, "I'm Dr. Crysta Santella, and you are?"

The others had the strangest looks on their faces… I didn't want to be rude to such a nice floor that caught me when I fell, what was wrong with that?

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**A/N:** I hope everyone liked, drop me a line! 


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **After trying to update this at 2am and somehow containing my anger at the document manager and _not_ throwing something and my laptop or worse yet, throwing the laptop, I took my dog out. We walked down to the corner and on the way back I froze. So did my dog.

On opposite sides of where the sidewalk met my driveway, two rabbits were facing each other like stone statues guarding an entranceway.

Another hopped across the street. Life was imitating art. The rabbits were out to get me.

I whimpered and after gaining control of my legs, quickly led my dog back in the house.

Anyway, though the document manager is still being pissy, I found a way to update without uploading anything. Hehe. Enjoy!

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Chapter 3 **

The stone on the floor was refreshingly cool, and surprisingly comfortable. If I wasn't surrounded by my boss, an alien, and a major, I wouldn't move, even sober. All I needed was a pillow. Maybe a blanket. Yeah… blanket would be good. I'll name the floor…Bob. No, I use that too much… Logan. Logan's a good name.

I felt hands pulling at my arms, "Are you alright?"

Oh, Dr. Accent. "Yes, I just lost my footing." Though I was drunk, it was slightly drunk… not incoherent. I could fake not being drunk pretty well at that point. Though my inside my head's a different story.

It would've been more convincing if I hadn't fall over.

But then again, I seemed to have a pattern going on, maybe they'd think I was just that clumsy.

I found my feet again… my boss sure seemed to be helping me a lot that day after falls.

"Yes, I can see how a level floor would do that." I shot Major Cutie another glare, but out of sight of Mrs. Vain. He picked up my pack off the floor. Wait, how did I drop that? And when? "This might have something to do with it." He moved it up and down like he was testing the weight of it, "You've been carrying this all this time?"

I stood still. If I stood still my head didn't swirl. "Yes. I've carried packs that weighed that much before. Up hills. They're called twelve pound textbooks."

"If you'd rather carry it now, be my guest." He extended it over to me.

"You already have it." I slowly turned around and faced Mrs. Vain who for some reason looked amused.

Oh, she knew. Well, if she knew I was drunk than did the others? And where the hell are the Marines? Scouring the city? … oh crap. I forgot which was which. One's Lt. Reed, the other Capt. Coffman… I think the blonde's Coffman…is he the Captain? Yeah. CC. Why did Lt. Reed sound familiar?... Lt. Reed… Ahh! Enterprise! Lt. Malcom Reed. Such a great character. Ooo and Archer. Scott Bakula's great, hmm, did I bring my Quantum Leap DVD's? Oh my god, he played Dr. Beckett! Sure he was 'Sam' not ' Carson' and he wasn't Scottish, but still! How weird was that?

"The labs are this way." She started moving down the hall and I stayed next to her, Dr. Accent and Major Cutie behind me. Course, I'd never call them _that_ to their faces. It'd give the wrong impression.

I kept the swaying to a minimum walking down the hall in some part due to Mrs. Vain purposely, I thought anyway, walking so close we could've linked arms. She was like a reference point I could use to keep steady.

The walls were made of light brown brick with little patterns I didn't bother to look at because it would have made my head hurt more than it did. The light was coming from somewhere in the ceiling I couldn't decipher. It was almost like the whole ceiling was a light bulb. Wooden doors were spaced almost evenly on each side.

We stopped since she did and she turned around, "This is one of the Medical Labs. Dr. Beckett, you'll be in there. Dr. Trin will be happy to assist you if you have questions." She smiled and gestured to an older man in the room we were stopped in front of. He was leaning over a table working with something or another.

"Thank you." He disappeared into the lab and she led the Major and me down to the next room.

"I don't know if you'd care to come in, Major. I'm sure there are other and more interesting things you could be doing."

Uh… was she trying to get rid of him?... "Thanks for carrying this." I took back my pack and swung it over one shoulder.

He looked me straight in the eyes, "I'll be out here, Dr. Santella." He moved his gaze shortly to Mrs. Vain and nodded, "Ma'am."

I followed her into the lab. It was about the size of my living room back home, so it was a decent size. Tables lined with glassware were in the center, and instruments were on the counters along the walls. But she kept walking so I kept following.

There was a door on the far side of the lab and once we got through it, there was a smaller room with shelves of books, a table, a tall cabinet, and another woman at one of the said bookshelves.

"This is my sister, Dr. Euil Huwem."

A redhead like her sister but a few years younger and wearing more lab-orientated clothes, she nodded politely, "Nice to meet you."

"And you." I practically squeed at the shelves of books. I love books. I made my guest bedroom at home a library with a big overstuffed reading chair and a window seat and a reading lamp. But I still kept a bed and a dresser in there just in case.

Hmm, I wondered if I could just stay there and read for a week.

If they were in English.

Uh… would what I be reading even be in English?

And how are they speaking English?

Don't tell me they slipped a Babel Fish in my ear when I wasn't looking during my physical.

Mrs. Vain gestured to the ground by the table, "You can set your belongings down in here."

"But won't we be working out there?" I pointed back to the door leading to the lab.

The doctor shook her head. Not the Doctor with the TARDIS of course since 1. This doctor was a woman and regeneration doesn't work like that, and 2. I highly doubt Doctor Who is real. But it would be very exciting, and frightening. Daleks and Cybermen… Gah! The Wraith are bad enough. I wonder what version he'd be though… the show's on his tenth… "I've laid out our information here." She gestured to the table with stacks of books and papers on it.

"Right." Oh, this was going to be fun. Pouring over books being drunk. I looked around and spotted a cot in the corner complete with a blanket and a pillow. Huh? I guessed she loved the lab as much as my friend back home. I set my pack down gently.

"Do you need anything?" Mrs. Vain asked.

"No, I'm good." I really just wanted to sit down. I deduced I was at the same point of drunk as after my grandfather's funeral when I cleaned up, did the dishes, and put the extra chairs in the closest without falling after everyone left. So sitting and reading shouldn't be too much of a problem.

"If you'd like, we have a drink that should help after so much airwe."

I collapsed in a chair at the table, "That obvious, huh?" Then Dr. Beckett and Major Lorne would know too… great.

"You hid it very well."

Closing my eyes I heard the doctor say, "My first experience was worse."

Why the hell were people saying that so often? I felt about to drift off to sleep, something I really couldn't do, "Please tell me there's caffeine in that drink."

"Caffeine?" The doctor questioned.

"A stimulant." I flashed my eyes open, "Do you have a pen and paper?"

She went over to the end of the table and after a few moments passed me a piece of off-white paper and a pencil. I slowly drew out the molecule complete with all the double bonds and passed it over to my fellow biochemist.

I watched her eyebrows furrow and she asked, "These lines are oseon?" She pointed to different places where a few of the lines just met without a symbol.

"If you mean carbon, then yeah." I saw her eyebrow furrow again and I realized that they wouldn't have the same scientific language, not even for elements. I reached down to my pack and dug through it, ignoring my protesting head. Laptop… notebook… tablet pc I was never going to get used to… notebook with my work… enzyme notes… ahh folder. With it still in my pack, I looked through it and found the glimmer of plastic I was after. I slid it out and flopped it on the table.

My favorite periodic table was worn around the edges, but it was one of the few I found with good drawings of what the atoms looked like. I pointed to carbon, "Is that what you call oseon?"

The doctor stood next to me and analyzed the box along with the whole table, "Yes." She looked back at my drawing of the caffeine molecule and after a few moments of translating it to her own scientific language she announced, "Ahh, you mean lohdel. The drink has high amounts of it."

"Do you have any in here?" Mrs. Vain asked her sister.

"What self-respecting scientist wouldn't?" She replied with a twinkle in her eye and headed over to the cabinet.

I laughed, "Good to know that even in another galaxy some things are the same."

"I think you'll find our peoples have much in common."

"Oh! Thank you for…" I lowered my voice, "being so quiet about this. And getting Major Cu- Lorne away."

"It was no trouble."

My eyes were attracted to her dress by the silver thread. God was it pretty. "Could I get one?"

"One what?"

Oh god, did I say that aloud? Stupid airwe. "Sorry, my tongue got away from me."

The doctor appeared at my side with a plain glass filled with a light green liquid. "Here we are."

"Thank you very much, I hate to be a trouble." I picked it up and smelled it, laughing at the familiarity, "No way. You guys do not have Mountain Dew."

The sisters looked at each other and back at me.

"What is Mountain Dew?"

"Soda. From home. Or pop as most of the states calls it. It causes a lot of confusion amongst my people." My people… hehe. "We could just solve the problem by calling it soda pop or a soft drink, or better yet making everyone call it soda, but no. It's not gonna happen." I drank a third of the glass. It pretty much was Mountain Dew in a less sweet knock-off version and without all the fizz. I dubbed it Pegasus Dew.

Their eyebrows rose in the exact same way. It was kinda cute. All they needed was matching outfits instead of one wearing a dress and one in tan lab shirt and pants, and they'd be twins.

Movement from the door caught my eye and who else but my boss walked in. Before he could speak a word, I blurted out, "They have Mountain Dew." I raised my glass for effect.

His eyebrows furrowed too. What is with people and that reaction? "That's unusual."

I nodded suddenly remembering not keep up my act and not to blurt out random things, blaming it on the airwe.

What kind of a name for a drink was that anyway?

Then again, I come from a world where Bloody Mary, Screwdriver, Sex on a beach, Mudslide, London Fog, and Corpse Reviver are names for drinks.

I didn't even want to know what airwe translated to.

He asked after greeting the other women, "I was wondering if you had a…" His eyes fell on my periodic table, "May I borrow that? Dr. Trin and I are having some communication problems."

Without thinking, I snatched the precious piece of laminated paper to my chest. My precious… OH GOD! I refrained from smacking myself in the head. "Uh… we're using this but…" I leaned over to dig in my pack and almost fell over but managed to stay on the chair. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Laptop… notebook… folder! Success! I brought it out, placed it on the desk, and straightened out feeling my head swirl again. After opening it, I found what I was after, "I come prepared." I handed him a color photocopy of my periodic table.

"Thank you, lass. This should make things a deal easier." He patted my shoulder as he looked it over.

"You're welcome." I looked up and saw a little bit of scruff on his chin. I love scruff… I refrained from reaching up and scratching his chin. I wasn't _that_ far gone.

"How are things progressing?" He asked without removing his eyes from the periodic table.

"We were just getting started." The doctor replied…her name slipped my mind already. I'm terrible with names of people I just met, I need a few repetitive drills of them before they stick if they aren't people like a boss. Ahh well, she's the doctor. But not the Doctor. That'd be weird. I've been through that.

"I'll leave you to it then." Dr. Accent left with a smile and I felt my body relax. The sisters seemed nice and understanding of my… situation and I didn't feel odd around them. I guess I can't call them aliens, they weren't that alien anymore.

Now if I only could remember their names… Mrs. 'Something' Vain and Dr. Eugene? No… Euclid… Euil ! Dr. Euil 'Something.'

Progress.

We finally settled down to work and after a few minutes of staring at us blankly, Mrs. Vain left us alone.

Somehow, someway, amongst the Stinean's works there were words in English, but in science that doesn't mean a thing. They had different names for almost everything and Euil and I struggled to translate it so we could both understand what it was.

Lot of good the Babel Fish was doing.

I had drunk the rest of my Pegasus Dew uncountable hours before Euil noticed since we were both throwing words at each other and getting excited over talking shop. She got up to get herself a glass and refill mine, but I stopped her. "I can get it." I don't like being waited on when not at a restaurant, and she was one of the Stinean lead scientists, not a waitress.

"Oh, thank you. The bottle is on the bottom shelf."

With my glass in hand, I got up and smiled realizing I wasn't lightheaded anymore and went over the cabinet. It was taller than me, which isn't saying much because I'm 5'2," and pulled the handle. Directly in front of me was a canter of green liquid and a row of glasses. The other shelves held what looked like personal effects so I didn't look. The bottom shelf with the Pegasus Dew had hooks attached to the bottom and clothes hung from them.

After pouring the two glasses I carefully closed the cabinet and returned to the table.

"Thank you." She took her glass.

"You're welcome." I sat back down next to her. We had papers strewn everywhere and books sprawled about, along with my Expedition - issued laptop which she practically had a heart attack over when I turned it on.

Now I was forming a headache and my neck was getting stiff. It was only going to get worse, so I dug in my pack for my bottle of naproxen. Instead I found acetaminophen and loratadine. It was always helpful to have different types of painkillers and an antihistamine with you at all times. Along with a camera, which I also found. I finally found the bottle and took out two little round blue pills.

Euil looked over, "What are those?"

"Naproxen. Better known as Aleve or in your language…" I took the pills and searched for my notes, "It's a painkiller." I found them and quickly did a rough translation, "kean bidenlel?"

She shook her head, "We don't have such a medicine."

"I could easily have translated it wrong." I scanned the table for a loose piece of paper, after finding one I drew it out from memory. "I think that's right." I placed it in front of her.

She picked it up and did this lip-curl thing I quickly learned she did when she was thinking. After a couple of nanoseconds her eyes widened. "I've been working on isolating this compound for months!"

"I'd be glad to help." I smiled and shrugged my shoulders. I knew the feeling of discovery and watching someone go through it was pretty great.

She turned to me and I found myself on one side of a hug and gingerly returned it. To say it was awkward on my part would be an understatement.

"That would be wonderful! I've only been able to get small amounts in solution, enough to test its effects, but not to produce on a wide scale." She pulled back and returned to looking at the drawing.

I admitted, "It can be a pretty useful drug."

Euil was smiling so wide it reminded me of the ninth Doctor Who.

Maybe the day wasn't a complete disaster. After all, one good thing could come out of it. I'd make sure she knew about the possible side effects later of course.

I reached out my hand for my glass before my eyes had a chance to look where my hand was going. It grabbed for the glass, but missed and knocked it over. Goram hand.

My eyes widened not with discovery, but anger and shock at the sight of Pegasus Dew all over the keyboard of my laptop and the screen going funny colors.

Ahh frak.

* * *

**A/N:** Thank you for showing the love, please continue. 

If anyone doesn't know a reference, feel free to ask. My mind often thinks in sci-fi ref's, esp. while altered. And since she's an older (somewhat wiser, way smarter) version of me, well they got weaved in.

I have 2 (?) chapters to go. Unless the _plot_ bunnies attack me.


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N:** It's not safe for me to venture outside.

A tree attacked my yesterday.

A _tree_.

A branch fell on my head.

Then there are the rabbits. The same three found me _blocks_ away from my house and _stared_.

They must know what I'm writing.

Changing topic, a part of this chapter is largely to blame on, err credited to Agitha, the plot bunny BiteMeTechie sent me.

**

* * *

Chapter 4**

Every swear word in every language, sci-fi fandom, and Middle Earth language I committed to memory threatened to explode out of my mouth. I was biting them back since I was in front of a woman I had only known for hours and didn't want to give a wrong impression of me or the Expedition, but a few things leaked out under my breath.

I picked up the glass after my brain decided to register it would be a good idea and out of the corner of my eye I saw Euil running to the cabinet. She probably said something, but I didn't hear it, I was too busy cursing quietly and wondering what the hell to do.

I was sure hitting my laptop wasn't really going to help it out of its caffeine rush, so I hit the shutdown button. It promptly went black and didn't even bother attempting to do the shut-down screen dance.

I killed it. It was gone, kaputs, dead. I might as well have gone outside and dug its grave in the alien soil on the alien world where it died and went to computer heaven.

Frakin Pegaus Dew. It wasn't some cool alien concoction, not what we toasted at brunch with or even the goram airwe, but a knock-off of Mountain Dew.

To top it all off, I really had to pee.

Like a racehorse.

Euil returned with a stack of white towels and I breathed a grateful, albeit quiet and terse, thank you, and immediately took one and started wiping off the keyboard.

I really wished I knew some Chinese swear words right about then. Swearing sounds really cool in Chinese. Or Mandarin, or whatever Joss Whedon had them speaking in Firefly and Serenity.

Hey, I should watch that when I get back and learn a few.

"Will it be alright?" Her concern broke me out of my daydream.

"Maybe, but probably not." What the hell was I supposed to do about the Pegasus Dew that leaked in? Turn the laptop over and hoped it leaked out?...

Well, it wasn't a totally bad idea.

I took another towel, spread it on the table, and turned the laptop over, rocking it side-to-side to see if I could get the liquid out. What seemed like a lot dripped out, and I set it down so more could leak out. Of course, it wasn't flat because the stupid frakin screen didn't bend back all the way. So now there was Pegasus Dew dripping on the screen.

"But you do have other ones, correct?"

Oh bless her trying to make it all better. "Yeah. I guess I got rid of another Dell in the world. Galaxy. Place." And thankfully I still had my own Vaio I brought from home with all my pictures, music, and writings safe back in my quarters. I was about to rub my face, but realized my hands were sticky and I had yet to pee. "Is there a restroom around here?" She looked at me strangely so I elaborated, "Bathroom, somewhere I can wash up and things?"

"Oh, yes." She gestured, "The next door down."

"Thanks. I'll be right back."

I quickly excited the backroom and the lab, turning right down the hall when I heard my name.

"Dr. Santella?"

Turning around and hiding my annoyance I replied, "Just going to wash my hands, Major." I noticed Capt. Coffman and Lt. Reed had appeared at his side.

He nodded as I turned back on my way. Did he have to know what I was doing at every single moment? It wasn't like I was going to fall down a well and he was going to have to get Lassie and save me anytime soon.

Or maybe, _he's_ Lassie.

Nah, I liked Major Cutie.

The door to the restroom was open, but the room was dark. There had to be a light switch or something, right? How else would they turn the lights on? The Stineans weren't quite as advanced as us so…

I brushed by hands along the wall to the left of me. Instead of feeling bricks, it felt more like… ceramic tiles. My eyes adjusted to the low light and with touch and a little sight, I made out a button.

It didn't look red… so I pushed it with a wince.

Soft lights emitted from the ceiling, getting stronger over a period of a couple seconds. After closing the door, I turned a bolt lock. One of the last things I wanted was a Stinean walking in on me, or anyone else for that matter.

The room was a good nine by six feet and kept in the Middle Eastern style with rich colors, intricate flower motifs painted on the tiles, and pointed vaults.

Rising to the height of a chair, a boxy cream-yellow ceramic seat about two feet long was pressed against the wall on the right. In the middle of it, there was a lid. Was that the toilet?

It had to be the toilet. What else would it have been?

There wasn't a lever, so how did it flush?

On the other side, a matching counter floated out of the wall with a small sink in the middle and a mirror above on the wall.

It certainly looked like a bathroom.

Doing a little dance because I really had to go, I quickly rinsed my hands off so there wouldn't be goop all over my pants too.

Hesitatingly, I lifted the seat.

Huh.

Strangely, there was nothing there. No bowl, no water, no light, just a big black void. It reminded me of a campsite toilet, but without any smell whatsoever.

Weird.

There was a little brushed metal box on top of the whole contraption with little cloth-like papers. So us Earthlings weren't the only society to make toilet paper.

Thank the FSM.

After my business was taken care of, I went to the sink to wash my hands and used the little bar of pretty jewel-toned purple soap that smelled flowery. After a quick rinse of the soap, I rubbed the back of my neck and took a deep breath.

It hit me that it was the first time I was alone since leaving Atlantis.

Sighing loudly because I could without anyone looking at me funny, I made sure my hands were clean under the running water, and finally looked in the mirror.

Oh. My. God.

My plum eyeliner had smudged below my eye, my skin was greasy, and my hair had reverted from wavy as I styled it to fluffy curly.

I looked… scary and messy and dirty… and there I was working with a top scientist on another planet in another galaxy.

I pulled the hair back up into a ponytail with the band I had taken out of it before brunch and grabbed a piece of toilet paper to wipe my face and fix the eyeliner.

That done, I unlocked the door, turned the light off, and left.

The Marines had vanished again, this time Major Lorne wasn't standing alone but was talking with Vector Vain a bit… intensely. Two guards were behind the Vector, armed with swords and with what I assumed were guns in their holsters.

I didn't like the looks of it.

One of the guards drew his sword and I froze. I sure as hell didn't do anything wrong, and Dr. Beckett wouldn't do anything to offend the Stineans, so unless the soldier men did…

Well, I had my sidearm and though I was no marksman, I'm a damn good shot.

The guard handed his sword to Major Lorne, and I relaxed. Panicked for nothing.

"This is a fine piece of craftsmanship." The Major remarked to the others around him as he eyed the blade and handle.

Vector Vain beamed, "We pride ourselves in our trade skills."

Not wanting to interrupt, I started to slip back into the lab.

"Dr. Santella?"

I took a backwards step and answered, "Yes, Major?" I winced at the sight of his now purple bruise.

"We need to be heading out in twenty." He still had the sword in his hands and didn't look at me until the end of his statement.

"Okay. Why?" I'd be lying if I said the sword didn't scare me. The P90 he had was fine, but for some reason the way that sword was gleaming was downright menacing.

He gave the sword back to the guard and turned to face me, "The erberts are prey to the nocturnal stenos. From what the Vector tells me we don't want to be caught out at night around them. The sun will be down in a little over an hour."

"Oh. I'll wrap up." Remembering my manners and thankful I cleaned up my appearance, I told the Vector, "Nice to see you again, Vector."

"And you."

Gulping, I made my way to the backroom in the lab, intent on leaving in half that time. From how the day was going, I needed all the help I could get.

Euil was dutifully reading a book as large as an unabridged dictionary and probably was half my weight. "We're gonna be leaving soon."

She kept her eyes in the book, "That's a shame. It didn't seem you were here very long."

"Yeah, well, we need to get back to the Stargate before nightfall because of the … stenos."

That caused her to break her lock in the book and looked up to me as I was packing up, "Stenos have moved in?"

"Yeah." I turned off the tablet pc, "What do they look like?" I glanced over and caught fear in her eyes and thought that I shouldn't have asked.

"They're slender reptiles, as tall as a human, bipedal, tails long enough to reach the ground, and they have these claws-"

I didn't want to hear anymore, "So pretty much a dinosaur? Great." I closed up my folder and put it in my pack along with the tablet pc and notebook I had been furiously writing in the whole day. I really did not want to run into a leftover from the Cretaceous period. Meeting the Monty Python killer rabbit's evil bastard cousins had been enough.

"I don't like them either." She started closing up her books after placing ribbon bookmarks in them. "There must be an erbert herd in your path then."

"We ran into them on the way here." I turned my attention to the laptop, giving it a final jiggle before turning it over and closing it. At least it had only been mine since they issued it to me and everything of value had backups back in Atlantis.

"How did you like them?"

"I didn't." I packed the dead piece of machinery away too, and started folding up the towels into a nice little pile. I didn't want to leave a mess.

"I can see how it would be startling to walk into them without knowing they were there."

"You can say that again." Where was my hat? Hat… um… I peered under the table and found it.

"Do you have everything?"

"I think so." I rubbed the itch away in my hands and picked up the pack.

"When do you expect to return?"

Um… "I don't know. Whenever Dr. Weir clears me to come back, if she even does. I should know in a couple days." Yep, all I needed to do was convince her giving the Stineans an NSAID was a good idea. Well… they already had it, they just needed a better way to produce it.

She stood and extended her hand, "Until we meet again."

I started going for her hand, but remembered what the Vains and the … Arbiter couple did at the brunch and grabbed her forearm, "I'll look forward to it, Doctor." I _still_ couldn't remember her last name. Damn it.

The hall was getting crowded. In addition to Major Lorne, Vector Vain, and the two Stinean guards, Lt. Reed and Capt. Coffman that had reappeared, and another, but female Stinean guard had come out of nowhere.

The Stineans sure seemed to have equality of the sexes. Cool.

"Ready to go, Doctor?"

"Yes, Major."

He must have noticed me eyeing the guards because he explained, "Vector Vain has offered an escort to the Stargate experienced with the stenos."

"What is this, now?" Through the hoard of people I could see my boss had come out of the Medical Lab with all his stuff and after … Capt. Coffman gave a quiet and short answer I couldn't hear, he nodded.

"We're all ready."

"Please follow me." Vector Vain ambled down the hall in his baby blue and white silk outfit. Was he wearing _slippers_? Oh no, they were made out of the same material as the rest of his clothes.

I found myself in the middle of the pack with Dr. Accent… Beckett. My boss. And we quickly struck up a conversation about what we did all day, pretty much ignoring what was going on around us. Once he got passed the scientific language barrier with Dr. Trin, things went a lot easier for him too.

On the way back, Major Cutie… Lorne was ahead with one of the male Stineans and the woman, my boss and I were in the middle, and the marines and the last Stinean behind.

Not only did the conversation with my boss keep my mind off the possibility of stenos launching in and attacking us, I was busily scratching my hands and neck. They were itching like hell and it was really irritating me. My hands were also getting red and radiating heat.

"Are you alright?"

So, the boss had finally decided to say something about it. "Yeah, they're just really itchy. It looks like a rash."

He took my hand and somehow examined it as we walked, "How long have you had this?"

"It started just before we left the city."

"It might just be contact dermatitis but I want to take a closer look once we get back. Is there anything you can think of that would cause this?" He released my hand and I started to rub it. "It's best not to scratch."

Feeling scolded like a schoolgirl, I stopped. "Maybe the soap in the bathroom." But then why my neck?... Ooh…because I rubbed it before rinsing my hands of soap fully. Maybe the Pegasus Dew I had gotten on my hands… but then I'd be dead if I was allergic. Nevermind.

Well, at least I didn't wash my face with the stuff. That would have sucked. I would have been a big glop of red rash that looked like I belonged straight out of one of the Star Treks. Hmm… if it had been green all I would have needed was a scandalous outfit since I already had the funky hair goin on and good ol' Captain Kirk would be mine. Or if I was blue. Any color really. As long as I didn't wear a red shirt.

I kinda like Scotty though.

My glance fell on Dr. Beckett.

Ahh!

Okay. That's just freaky. Though Dr. Beckett has way better hair than Scotty and he isn't going to be beaming anyone up anytime soon.

Gah, I really need to stop comparing my boss with my favorite sci-fi characters. Seriously. Someone might think I'd need professional help.

My hands and neck continued to itch like mad and just when I was about to give up and claw myself to death, the rash be damned, we marched into the clearing that housed the Stargate.

And we didn't even run into any of those erbert giant killer rabbit things.

Relief swept over me until the thought of how I was going to face the debriefing crossed my mind.

Maybe I should make a request to Dr. Weir to stay on Stinea even after I went back to help Euil with her work with painkillers. It wouldn't be too drastic, would it? It wasn't like I had actual friends in Atlantis. I've only been in Pegasus a week and a half.

The sun was lowering in the sky and both moons were rising. I could just go back with the guards now and stay overnight even without a computer, hopefully skipping out on the debriefing.

Hey, maybe I'll stay indefinitely. That cot in the corner of the lab's backroom would suit me just fine.

I'd have to send for my own toiletries though. And clothes.

I could see Major Lorne's face in my mind if I asked to stay now - this look that said he was going to make sure I made it back to Atlantis even if he had to break _my_ nose.

I wondered how much trouble he'd get in if I just stayed anyway, but I didn't want to aggravate him anymore than I already had.

The Stargate did its whole flooshing to life thing and after Major Lorne sent his IDC and after we all said goodbye to the Stineans, we climbed the steps.

This time when I went through the Stargate, I prepared myself for the force of the wormhole and with only a slight stumble, came out the other side.

If it wasn't for the impending humiliation of the debriefing, the Gateroom would have been a beautiful sight.

"Welcome back, how'd it go?" Dr. Weir asked innocently from the Control Room.

Once Major Lorne looked up, she pretty much got an answer. "Nothing pressing, ma'am."

"Good. It's getting late, we'll debrief at eight hundred hours."

I could've kissed her. But that would have been… awkward. I was sure the men around there wouldn't have minded though.

She turned away but stepped back, "And make sure you get that checked out, Major." She gestured shortly to her nose.

"Yes, ma'am."

Everyone else started to file out of the Gateroom, and I followed since they were all going the way I had to take to get to my quarters.

They all turned left, but I turned right. All I wanted to do was take a shower and listen to some music, some Alkaline Trio followed by O.A.R. Maybe go the lab later once the rest of the living left. And get some hydrocortisone cream for the rash.

"Dr. Santella?"

Ahh, boss. I stopped and turned around, "Yes?"

"Post-mission medical exams are required."

Oh, right. Forgot about that. No wonder why they were all walking together. "Coming."

For some reason, they took the stairs up to the infirmary. Probably just to spite me for the killer rabbit thing. And for Major Cutie's nose. Somehow, he still managed to be cute even with a purple nose. How the hell did he pull that off?

I sat through an exam by one of the other doctors - a very tall, dark, Russian man, and practically ran out of the infirmary with the cream on a mission of my own to disappear into my quarters and isolate myself from human contact for at least two hours and then sneak out to get food. Maybe.

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**A/N:** Running on four hours of sleep is not a good thing, so good night and tell me what you think. Thanks bunches! 


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N:** Now robins are stalking me. I just don't get it.

**Disclaimer:** BiteMe Techie has graciously let me borrow Dr. Lydia Winter from her fic _Retribution!_ . ( Which I suggest you go read!) Hopefully I didn't butcher her.

**

* * *

Chapter 5**

Power in Atlantis is… weird. The Ancients didn't exactly put three-prong plugs in all the rooms in anticipation of our arrival. So in the corner of in front of the Ancient outlet was this mass of… stuff the size of a throw pillow designed to adapt the power to work with Earth appliances.

Was MacGyver secretly lurking in the bowels of the city? Because it certainly looked like it. A little glint of silver caught my eye. I peered in the open-topped box to see what looked suspiciously like an uncurled paper clip among a mass of wires and little square things that ultimately led to an Earth tech compatible plug.

Was that… duct tape?

Not wanting to know, I plugged in the power cord to my laptop. Anything mechanical, electrical, or that requires engineering beyond the most basic of repairs escapes me so I was not going to prod around in the adaptor.

So after taking a half hour shower, I finally let the music blare on the speakers I had gotten for my laptop and sang to my favorite songs in my fuzzy yellow robe as I looked for clothes to throw on for the rest of the night.

My quarters was one of those open floor plans, which was okay. Not my favorite, but it was within walking distance of everything I needed to go to on a daily basis – mainly the lab and mess hall – so I wasn't about to complain.

Being careful to keep the towel wrapped around my hair on, I bounced and sang O.A.R.'s "Sail Away,' and dug in a drawer for my tan cotton knee-length shorts. They were one of the most comfortable pants I ever bought. Maybe because they were a little baggy on me.

But they were nowhere to be found.

I was still looking for them when "New Beginning' came on, and getting very, very, angry.

My hands and neck itched like hell since I had yet to put the cream on.

They weren't in the drawer they should've been in, and I knew I hadn't worn them since I've been there…

Unless the funky Ancient furniture ate them, I had no idea where they were.

I did pack them, right?

I turned and bent down to look under the bed.

What the hell were they doing there? I crawled halfway under and got them, the towel falling off my head in the process.

A low scream of frustration exploded out of my lips. It just hadn't been my day. I stormed over to my laptop and ended up playing 'Private Eye.'

I pulled the shorts on under my robe, and set out to do my hair as I continued to belt out lyrics, wondering just how sound proof the walls were…

My neck and hands continued to take up most of my thoughts because of the insane flare of itching. My skin looked devilish in bright red blotches. I really needed to get the cream on, but then I couldn't touch anything.

Unless.

I launched out of my chair to a storage box in the corner just as "At the right place and the right time I'll be dead wrong and you'll be just fine…" came over the speakers.

Giggling, I pulled out a pair of nitrile lab latex gloves.

Sure, they were purple, but whatever.

Call it my piece of flare.

After I successful had them on over the cream, I turned attention back to my hair. I ran product through and pulled it into a loose low bun, but off my neck.

I grabbed a simple fitted green tee shirt and a light zipped sweater, still debating whether or not to go to the mess hall. A quick glance as I put on my watch showed it nearing ten, just about the latest I would eat. If I didn't go now, it would be hours until breakfast…

My stomach rumbled in reply, and an angry stomach is not a good stomach to have.

I threw on the basics of make up, grabbed a lip balm, pen, and a notebook, shut everything off, and left.

I passed my hand over the crystals to close the door, silently cursing my bad luck in not having the ATA gene and the gene therapy not working for me.

The transporter's my favorite piece of technology. Way better than an elevator. Sure, a little scarier but the Ancients built it and the Stargates, so I had trust in them.

And there wasn't that funky stomach flip thing when an elevator stopped. I hate that feeling.

Climbing the four lighted steps into the mess hall after the transporter doors opened, it registered that in the main room there was one pack of laughing people at a table near the kitchen, and a few random trios and single people. The nooks and crannies of the area to the left could have contained more people though.

"Hi." My voice automatically became sweet and pleasant as it called into the kitchen behind the counter. I recognized one of the two guys that were on kitchen duty as the same one that's been there every night I have.

He broke conversation with the woman and came up to the counter, "What can I do for you?"

"Do you have anything you can just get quick but that's pretty substantial?"

I could see him thinking, "Yeah. There's some pesto left, I could heat it up for ya."

"Thanks so much."

He disappeared into the kitchen and I eyed the grab-and-go food lineup at the end of the counter. There were a lot of odd looking fruits I really didn't feel like exploring. The most exotic fruit I've ever eaten was at 11pm after coming back in the cold of winter from the grocery store across the river. I somehow resisted the urge to spit the kumquat out and never ate anything my friend offered me again.

Except the oatmeal cookies.

Ooo and those wildberry Rice Krispie treats.

And the Thai noodles.

However, there was a stack of brownies and I could never resist brownies, so I grabbed a plate. It also got filled with a chocolate pudding and granola bars by the time he returned with my pesto.

I took it, "Thanks." My voice did that stupid polite thing again.

"No problem." He eyed my purple latex gloves apprehensively.

With a fork, napkins, a glass of juice, and laughing covertly at his reaction, I set out to scope a hiding place to eat quietly.

I passed the pack of laughing people, a twinge of jealously rising but then beat back by my logical brain, and found a small table just off into the more hall-way like area.

The pesto was over spiral noodles and pretty damn good. Or maybe it seemed so good because I hadn't ate since brunch. Either way I was gobbling it down and not caring if I looked like a pig since no one was around anyway. I surveyed my surroundings every so often to make sure.

The purple spiral notebook I brought with me was worn around the edges and the back cover had fallen off but I stubbornly still brought it along anyway as if it was still on. I flipped to the last page to refresh my memory of what was last written.

My brain was just as stubborn as I was and nothing remotely connected to the horror novel I was writing came to me, so I started doodling on the page.

"Hello."

I practically jumped out of my skin and looked up to see Major Cutie in front of me. With a tray. "Hi!" ell out of my shocked mouth and after a breath I calmed my voice down, "What's uh, what's up?"

"I saw you sitting here and thought I'd come over…" I guess the bruising on the nose itself wasn't bad, but now there was a little under his eyes. I felt soo utterly terrible.

"Oh, uh…" Was he expecting to _stay_? "Do you want to sit?"

"Sure." He pulled out the chair and promptly lowered himself on it.

What the frak was he _doing_? Why would he want to socialize with me? I looked around to see if anyone was around enjoying the little joke and found no one. "You're not going to need surgery are you?"

"No, Dr. Beckett said it should be fine on its own." He set out eating his pesto.

I quickly closed the notebook and hoped he didn't ask about it, "Did I mention I was sorry?"

"Yes. Repeatedly. But I don't mind hearing it again."

"Funny, Major. Really."

"What's with the gloves?"

"They're for the hydrocortisone. I didn't want to walk around and leave a trail on everything I touched."

"Good idea. About today, no one's first mission is perfect."

The sudden change in topic caught me off guard, "It was a disaster."

"There was good food, conversation, everyone made it back, and no one shot at us. That's what I call a good mission." He countered as he ate.

"So you call getting chased by giant black rabbits a _good_ thing?"

He shrugged, "We're the only ones who can say that."

"But, it was all my fault."

"It could've been worse."

"Yeah, but still." Ooo smooth, Crysta. Smooth.

"I could say you'll laugh about this someday but you might tackle me again."

I ignored the corner of his lip raised in amusement, "There was no tackling involved! And what were you doing so close to me anyway?"

"My plan was to keep you from falling on your face, I didn't picture me being the one falling."

"Unless you have a crystal ball, you can't know what's going to happen."

"I know we're about to be interrupted."

My eyebrows rose wondering what _that_ was about when a woman appeared at the side of the table with hair that wasn't quite blonde, but had this red caramel tone going on. "Hey, Major. And…"

"Dr. Santella." I replied and extended my hand to her.

She gave it a firm shake, "Lt. Cadman. So you're the one the guys took off world today." She eyed my gloves and Major Lorne's nose, "Didn't go too well?"

I stifled a groan and slumped in my seat, intent on picking at what was left of my pesto.

Major Lorne answered, "It did, with a couple minor incidents on the way to brunch."

"Anything interesting?"

I mumbled, "Have you seen Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"

"Yeah…" She drawled.

"Imagine the killer rabbit's black cousins the size of cars." The poor pesto was getting torn to shreds by my fork.

"No Black Beast of Arrrggghhh?" She asked light heartedly.

"Thank god." For some reason I couldn't stop mumbling.

Oh right, the embarrassment factor.

Major Lorne looked back and forth at the two of us, "Do I even want to know?"

We looked back at him. I sat up in shock. "You've never seen it?"

"Inconceivable." Lieutenant … Cadman? added with her jaw practically on the floor.

"No…" He looked a tad uncomfortable. I didn't blame him since we couldn't take our eyes off him in sheer astonishment.

"I have it."

Cadman snapped her head around so she was looking at me, "We are so having a movie night."

"Yeah. It'd be fun." What? "Not tonight!"

"Course not, Doctor. There are things that have to be done, people to tell. How's tomorrow?"

"Uh, it should be fine…"

"Okay, I'll contact you sometime tomorrow, Dr. Santella." She stepped off and called behind her, "We'll be expecting you, Major."

"What? Cadman!"

She kept walking so Major Lorne, long done with his food, excused himself and went after her.

What the hell just happened?

Did I just get roped into sitting around with a bunch of… military?

It's not that I have a problem with soldiers, hell I even kinda wanted to be in the Air Force until my grandfather told me, in not so many words, he'd disown me if I enlisted or went to Academy for any branch of military.

Since he had been a Tech. Sergeant in the 22nd Fighter Squadron, I couldn't exactly go against him. Granted it was in WWII, but still. He was bitter about it so I thought it was best not to aggravate him over something I wasn't sure about anyway.

When my best guy friend announced he was enlisting in the Marines, it took about a second for tears to fall out of fear for him, and I realized I really didn't want to be in the Air Force.

And now I'm surrounded by people who did want to, I was in just as much danger out here than I would have been in the Air Force on Earth, and it was really, really, odd.

It wouldn't be so bad to not be surrounded by scientists for a change…

After making a stop in my quarters, making sure I even _brought_ the movie, adding my laptop and speakers to the pack I had taken off world, I headed out to the lab.

It was empty, exactly what I was hoping for.

Since the debriefing was at 8, I'd have to catch some sleep in a couple hours, preferably by 1. If I had it my way, I'd stay up until 3, sleep until 11, and then go to work. I don't get the whole go-to-work at dawn thing.

It just doesn't seem right. Besides, all my best work gets done long after the sun sets.

My work station was just how I left it, with a stack of papers in the corner and my beaker mug complete with mL markings and the remains of cherry Kool-Aid from the previous night. On the chair, I heavily put down the pack and pulled out the Dell, wondering if it would ever work again.

Highly doubting it, I opened the cover to let it dry overnight, set up my Vaio and speakers, and started playing the 80s playlist. The first song was 'Take on Me.' Gotta love being a teenager in the 80s. Though I avoided the whole big hair thing. I was neither Romy nor Michelle.

I moved the pack, plopped down on the chair, and started to review the noted from the day so I could sum up the Stineans' level of biochemistry advancement in a way that would not make me seem like a blathering idiot in front of Dr. Weir.

Approaching midnight, I changed the playlist to more modern, sans all the modern pop and rap that will never ever be part of my collection. It was all rock for me.

'This Could Be Love' started, and I couldn't help but to sing with it as loud as I could. As the second chorus was blasting, I caught movement at the door. Some woman in glasses was standing there looking strangely amused.

I paused the song since I was sure belting out 'play in my blood' wouldn't give a good first impression. "Hi."

"You didn't have to stop it. I've heard worse." She moved further in the lab, her hair swept into a bun at the top of her head with a… neon green pencil.

"Like what?" A song with lyrics about someone slitting your throat and cutting off fingers usually phases people…

"Some choice Alice Cooper, like 'Feed my Frankenstien'."

"Oh. That would explain your not being freaked out by the song. Most people start looking at me like I belong in a sanitarium." I picked up my beaker mug and took a sip of the cherry Kool-Aid partly because I was thirsty and partly for something to do with my hands while talking with this strange woman that appeared out of nowhere.

"I'll be the last one to look at anyone like that. Nice mug."

"Thanks." I put it down and extended my hand, "I'm Dr. Santella."

She took it, "Dr. Winter. I've been down the hall listening to your music and decided to check it out."

Oh god. I could've sworn it was at a reasonable level. "It was that loud? I'm sorry if it bothered you."

"It didn't."

"Where were you?" Maybe she was just next door or something.

"My lab in the physics block. You're here pretty early."

Er… that was pretty far away. It's a wonder security didn't come get me. "If you call midnight early." I glanced at the clock in the corner of my laptop's screen for the bjillionith time.

Confusion set in under her glasses, "It's midnight?"

"Yep. What time did you think it was?"

"Morning sometime. Six maybe."

"Wow, you're way off." The max I've been wrong about the time ever is about an hour.

"Yeah. It happens a lot." She admitted while adjusting her hair. It amazed me how she could get it to stay like that with just one little pencil.

"Maybe you could use a clock."

"Hmm… it'd have to have big flashing numbers and a voice announcing the time every hour for it to be any use."

"But it'd have to be a cool voice." If you're going to go that far, you might as well enjoy it.

Her face lit up, "Like Frank N. Furter."

"I was thinking more along the lines of Inigo Montoya." I know every one of his lines. Actually, I know all the lines.

"But then you'd need Fezzik too."

"Ooo Westly. I loved Westly." His voice I could listen to all day. When the movie came out, instead of 'yes,' I'd say 'as you wish' until everyone was considering burying me in the backyard.

She humphed, "Buttercup was one lucky girl."

"What about Mulder?" I suggested.

"I'd go with Langly."

"No Byers?" Sometimes, you can have the strangest of conversations with people you hardly know and just click. Who else in Atlantis could I talk to about Rocky Horror, The Princess Bride, and The Lone Gunmen, and not freak them out with my music in the middle of the night?

"Might as well add him to the mix, have all three announce the time."

Leaning back in my chair, I mused, "I haven't seen The Lone Gunman for so long, I can't believe I don't have it. Is it even released?"

"Yeah. A few years back. Jeeze, and you call yourself a fan. What's wrong with you?"

"Do you really want me to answer that?" It would've taken years to explain the inner workings that is me.

"If it'd be interesting."

"I highly doubt it'd be. And I don't have the time anyway." My eyes flashed to the clock on the screen yet again.

"Oh! I'm bugging you."

"No, actually. It was about time for a break." I had only read about a paragraph worth of text in the last ten minutes anyway.

Dr. Winter gestured to the Dell that was sitting open, but off, "Uh, what's that doing?"

"Drying."

"Why?"

"Because I spilled Pegasus Dew on it." I deadpanned.

"Pegasus Dew?"

There was that look of thinking I was nuts. I knew it'd come out at some point. "Yeah. Just one of a long string of events today."

"Did you get all of it out?"

"I think so."

"It has a chance then. I got work to do on the ZPM…" Words followed but once she said 'Lemmon hypothesis' I was completely lost. "See ya around."

"Bye."

Shaking off the confusion at the utter randomness that was Dr. Winter, I set to work wondering if there had been another day in my life that I had met as many new people.

My eyes started drooping to the point I was losing concentration at precisely 12:36am, so I turned down the volume, laid my head on the table and closed my eyes for a brief respite.

Only to be disturbed by someone was shaking my arm. "It's time to wake up."

Grunting, I responded, "It's too early." I just wanted to sleep a little longer… though the pillow seemed awfully hard…uh…I begrudgingly I opened my eyes and looked up to see none other than my boss. "Dr. Accent!" My eyes went wide, "Beckett." I gave my head a good shake to wake it up hoping he didn't catch that.

"Accent, lass? Have you been here all night?"

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, grateful I had LASIK and didn't have to deal with contacts anymore, "Yeah, uh… I guess. My mouth sometimes doesn't connect with my brain right away after waking up." I pleaded silently for him to take that as the reason, and not that it was my secret nick-name for him.

"Odd how you picked that of all things."

"Yeah, well… what time is it?"

He answered with a look of confusion, "Half past seven."

"What!" I patted around on my desk, "I have to go, I got a meeting… debriefing…We've got a debriefing." I gathered up my notebook and a few sheets of paper, noticing the music was still playing and quickly turned off my computer.

"I'm quite aware of that…" Now he had this air of amusement about him. I didn't see what was so gorram funny.

I took a deep breath. Okay. I was good. All I needed to do was wash up, brush my teeth, and I'd be set... and change since I had been seen in those clothes, and look over my notes again… "I'll see you then, Dr. Beckett." With a quick smile I rushed out of the lab and made it to my quarters in about a minute, thanks to the transporter, hoping not to be late for my first debriefing.

**FIN**

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_Songs:_ O.A.R. - Sail Away

Trapt - New Beginning

Alkaline Trio - Private Eye, and This Could Be Love

A-ha - Take On Me

**A/N:** Well, hope you all enjoyed my little trek in the SGA world. Since the day was over, I figured I should end it. Though there is an epilogue idea if people want.

Thanks so much for reading and reviewing! It means a lot to a little 'ol writer.


	6. Epilogue

**A/N:** Welcome to the Epilogue, written under desire to please you all and so Reefgirl would write more of her fic, _Cooking With Blue MarySue_.

Monty Python and the Holy Grail is one of those movies that even though I own it and can pause it at any time, I wont, suffering the urge to urinate so as not to break the mood of the film because it'd ruin it or something. Anyone else feel the same?

Oh, and this probably wouldn't make too much sense unless you've seen the movie.

**Discalimers:** Monty Python and the Holy Grail belongs to the Python guys.

Alex Ramsey to Reefgirl in _Cooking With Blue MarySue_

Dr. Lydia Winter to BiteMe Techie in _Retribution!

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_

**Epilogue- Monty Python Night**

"Are you gonna be ready soon or should I pull up a lawn chair and pop open a corona?"

I called from the bathroom, "They can't start without me, I have the movie." Where's my tee shirt… ahh. I picked it up from the hook on the door.

"By the time we get there, there'll be only kernels left." Laura retorted.

The shirt slipped over my head, "Let 'em eat the popcorn, then they won't get the Python cookies."

"Is that what you're hiding in that Tupperware?"

"Yep." The reflection the mirror gave me was not quite satisfactory, so I played with my hair again, debating whether or not to keep it parted to the side. "Have one if you want, before the guys eat them all."

The sound of the Tupperware popping open made its way to me along with her amazement, "No way. How did you get these? Where did you get these?"

"Chief Ramsey. Oh, she's coming by the way. I told her to meet us here." Giving up on my hair, I went out into my quarters.

"The Head Chef? The one Lorne had to pull three Marines off the day after we all got off the Daedalus?" Laura was investigating the frosted sugar cookies with delight, also dressed in civilian clothes with a fitted tee shirt that declared in small print, 'Warning, Prone to Combustion.'

"Maybe. Was she yelling at a porter in the kitchen?"

Her eyes flashed up and though her mouth was stuffed with a cow-shaped cookie, she managed to get out, "Yeah. Billick, Hansen and Stevens thought she was going to kill the guy. You invited her?"

"I couldn't ask her to make the cookies and not, even after I gave her some oatmeal cookies I made. They would've been chocolate-chip oatmeal, but Matt and I didn't find any chocolate-chips."

"Who's Matt? Oh! You mean Lt. Pullman."

"Yeah." Knowing her, she'd go off in the gutter. I had better distract her. "Who's all coming?"

"Lorne and now Ramsey. Stackhouse couldn't get out of duty."

Breathing a sigh of relief that she took the bait, I picked up the case with all my movies from the desk, next to the other containers of cookies. I thought Sgt. Stackhouse was coming. Ahh well.

"So, how long has this trist been going on?"

Damn it. "There is no trist. I didn't even know his name until we got back from Stinea yesterday."

"Have to give it to ya, he's a good guy." She closed the container and hovered around the door.

"There's nothing going on. He just showed me around the kitchen." I had an urge to bake after spending five days on Stinea working, and politely asked if I could use the kitchen, and Matt was there again.

"Did he show you his plumbing?" She gave me a teasing smile that I wanted to wipe off her face.

"Laura! He's just an acquaintance. And besides, I don't have time to get involved with anyone." I'd spend, what, a waking minute a day with him? And then if it got serious, I'd be leaving in a year anyway.

"Aww, you're no fun."

"I guess I'll have to live vicariously through you. Anyone in your radar?"

"That's Poker Night fodder."

Hmm. Interesting. "Which I won't be at, so spill."

"Going back on your word? You said you'd come."

"I don't play poker. I don't even know what beats what, I barely remember how to play WAR and King's Corners." And that was an overstatement. Though Cribbage might have had more hope.

"Come anyway. The girls and I can teach you."

"Okay. But I'll be the first one out every round." God, I'm a pushover sometimes. "Hey, did you like Stinea?"

"How could I not when I got to scope out their high temperature and energetic materials technology."

"Couldn't resist blowing things up?" I teased as I looked at the clock. Alex was starting to cut it close.

"I was stuck babysitting your ass for a few days, who says I couldn't have some fun?"

"You know, I think Major Lorne sent you with me so he'd get out of Monty Python night completely." Lorne and his team had other things scheduled for the past few days. Dr. Weir wanted me to go back in the late afternoon after the debriefing, 'No sense it waiting if you're ready' she said. A quick communication with the Stineans so they'd know we'd need quarters and a few hours later, we were off.

"Like we'd forget."

"Can't blame him for hoping. I don't know if he's a Python type of guy."

"He might surprise you."

The door chime went off. Man I hate that thing. I should find someone who can make it sound like a regular doorbell. I went over to the door, swearing silently I'd find a way to make the gene therapy 100 percent effective in my spare time when I wasn't working on the enzyme or my work with tracers.

"Hi, chief. You ready?" I eyed the tray she was carrying. Don't ask me why she's called 'chief.' She's a civilian. Maybe I'll ask one day.

"I wouldn't be here unless I was. I brought some lemon squares. It seems I've used up all the choc chips in apology cookies…"

"That explains it then." I gestured to Laura, "This is Lt. Laura Cadman. Laura this is Chief Alex Ramsey."

"Hi."

"Good to meet you."

I grabbed the DVD case and attempted to stack both containers of cookies in my arms, but was failing miserably when Laura took one. "Don't want you falling. You have to protect the movie."

"Thanks. Here we go. Off to face the Bridge of Death and the Black Beast!" Pumping the case in the air, I left my quarters with Cadman behind me and Ramsey still poised right outside my door. I realized I had no idea where we were going so I stopped. "Uh, which way?"

They laughed and Laura turned right, "Just follow the leader."

We started following her and Alex asked, "Is anyone bringing drinks?"

"Uh… Laura?"

She fell back to walk beside me, "Not that I know off."

"Oh for fucks sake, I could have brought something from the kitchen. We're making a detour." Alex hung a left at the end of the hall, leaving Laura and I no real choice but to follow her. If there's one thing to know about survival in Atlantis, it's not to defy the British Head Chef who has one hell of a temper.

"So, what exactly are we going to get?" I asked as we jogged after her down the stairs.

It amazed me how she could balance a tray in one hand and still fly down the stairs. "Something that contains alcohol. Python's even better plastered."

Somehow, we were in and out of the kitchen two minutes later thanks to a secret back way in, and in the hall to the rec room in another one, but laden with so much stuff it was amazing none of us tripped.

Wait, if Stackhouse couldn't come… "So, it's us three who've seen it numerous times, and Major Lorne?" I asked Cadman.

"Yep." Laura nodded and almost lost one of the bottles she was carrying.

"He's in for an interesting night." Alex had taken it upon herself to carry a tray of glasses in addition to shoving a bottle under her arm.

"We'll convert him." Laura strolled into the rec room, "Hey, Major."

Lorne, in jeans and a black shirt, looked like a startled erbert sitting on one the couches as he looked at the three of us piled up with stuff, "Hi."

We started to place it all on the little ity bity table along the wall while he got up and helped us.

"Did you make these cookies, too, Chief?" Lorne asked as he eyed the Python cookies through the clear cover and quickly opened it.

"Yes. You all better like them because cutting out all those shapes was not exactly quick to do."

I opened the container of oatmeal cookies I had made as Lorne, already eating a white frosted rabbit cookie, replied, "They're great. Really. Just like those chocolate chip cookies were."

We continued to set everything out, and I could've sworn I saw Alex checking out Major Lorne's ass. Not that I haven't done the same…

After everything was ready and we all had little plates of sweets and drink-filled glasses, I zipped open my DVD case and flipped through until I found the movie. Well… "Huh."

"What?" Lorne asked.

"This is disc two."

Laura's eyes went wide, "There's _two_ discs?"

"Yeah. It's the Special Edition. Disc one isn't here." No, no, no. I started to flip through the case frantically, scanning each group of four as I passed through them.

"Ahh fuck." Alex called out.

Lorne look pretty pleased, in contrast to the other two women, and happily chomped at his white rabbint cookie. Laura was on the other end of the couch he was sitting on and looked like the world just blew up. Alex just looked pissed.

It _had_ to be there though. What were the chances of leaving that particular disc in the DVD player at home, hmm?... … "Ahh! I got it. It was switched with Life of Brian." I pulled it out and zipped up the case, the DVD balanced on my finger.

A collective sigh of relief flooded the room from us woman, but something all together different radiated from Lorne. It made me wonder just how Laura roped him into coming. She had to have something on him. Or something. Maybe he did secretly want to see it.

Alex took a sip of whatever it was she was drinking, "You have that too?"

"Yeah, and The Flying Circus."

"We are never leaving this room." Laura chewed on one of my oatmeal cookies.

Lorne retorted, "Some of us are on duty in the morning."

The DVD player looked normal enough, so I slid the disc in making sure it and the giant Ancient view screen was on. When the Columbia Woman came on, I grabbed the remote and took a seat next to Alex. The menu screen came on and I looked at the remote trying to figure out where the hell the enter/select button was as the others watched the Terry Gilliam's cartoons on the menu. Finally finding it, I hit it.

When the black-and-white Dentist on the Job film came on, I couldn't help but to bop to the music, and with a glance over to the others, they couldn't either, except the Major who looked downright confused. I couldn't blame him, I had that same look on my face when I first got the DVD too.

I couldn't help giggling hysterically when the dark music came on along with the credits.

"How long does this go on for?" Lorne asked about a minute through.

"I think it's… seven minutes?" That sounded about right. I knew it's awhile.

Laura added, "Give or take."

"What's with all the moose?"

"Uh…" Was my only reply.

Alex scoffed at one point during the credits, "I can think of someone I'd like to sack."

We fell into silence and when the flashing llama credits came on, and I also couldn't help bouncing in my seat a little. "So I lied, there's three and half minutes of credits."

Silence fell again until Lorne broke it, "Are those coconuts?"

"Shh!" Was the collective response.

I sat back and smiled, remembering high school. We were putting on Don Quixote, and no one wanted to be either ends of the horse, it wasn't like we had money for a horse costume anyway, so the guys had the brilliant idea to use two halves of a coconut.

Apparently the village of all the dead people reminded Lorne of some of the planets he'd been too, and it also gave him his first laugh after the line _"He hasn't got shit all over him."_

It seemed like conversion was upon us.

My favorite part, the Black Knight, elicited laughs from everyone, as there were some great lines in it and who wouldn't laugh at someone who just had an arm cut off comment _"It's just a scratch,"_ and once reduced to a torso yelling _"I'll bite your legs off!"_ ?

We all snickered at John Cleese getting better from being turned into a newt, and us woman sang and danced along with the knights in Camelot in our seats. I saw Laura elbow Lorne in his side when he didn't even bop along, but he was smiling.

God it was great to wind down and just watch a movie for once, especially with people who appreciated the humor of the Monty Python guys. Even Lorne was getting into it, and I swear Alex was laughing more at the French guy insulting Arthur than the rest of us. Well… the British and French I guess…

"Is that the giant rabbit you were talking about?" Lorne asked after the giant wooden rabbit landed on the page.

"No." I answered.

"But-"

"Shh!" The others shut him up. You really can't miss a word of dialogue or you'd miss something terribly hysterical. The first time I saw it was back in high school and I probably missed half of it. I watched it with my European History teacher of all people. He showed the _"Bring out your dead"_ part in class and we could stay late and watch the rest, so a few of us did, including one of the guys who'd be in the play later with me.

Lorne muttered and drained his glass, "I could've taken him."

"Yeah, take on a three-headed knight." Laura shot popcorn at him, and it quickly escalated into a full blown popcorn war, each man for himself.

"You should like this part." Laura threw a hand of popcorn at him and gestured to the screen.

I snickered, it was the Castle Anthrax scene.

He practically choked on a grail-shaped cookie of all things once Zoot… or Dingo or whoever announced oral sex would be following the spanking, sending us into an uproar of laughter all the way until Scene 24 with the old man.

He got up to get more food, ignoring our tears of laughter, and offered to pour us refills of our drinks, which we accepted.

I practically fell over at the Prince of Swamp Castle's name. "Did he just say Prince _Erbert?_"

Lorne looked back and forth from the screen to my shocked eyes, "Impossible."

"It's _Herbert_, and why the hell would Erbert be so bad?" Alex calmly ate one of her fabulous Python cookies, a green one so I figured it was a shrubbery.

"It's what the Stineans call the giant black killer rabbits on their planets." I responded, almost saddened it hadn't been the case.

"Wait, isn't the King the same guy as Gallahad?" Lorne innocently asked, sending us into a giggle fit. Well, me and Laura. Alex doesn't giggle, probably to keep up her reputation.

Alex answered since she was the only one still capable of speaking without falling back into a giggle fit, "All the Python guys play more than one character, haven't you noticed?"

"Now I did." He defended and calmly ate a lemon square, sending me and Laura into another giggle fit. You just don't see a manly Air Force Major eating lemon squares every day.

"_Ni!"_

"_No! Never! No shrubberies." The old woman shrank back into the doorway._

_But King Arthur wouldn't give up, "Ni!"_

"_Nu!" Bedevere added._

"_No, no, no. No. It's not that, it's Ni." Arthur directed._

_Bedevere tried again, "Nu."_

"_No, no. Ni. You're not doing it properly."_

"_Nu… nu.. Ni."_

"_Ni! That's it, you've got it."_

_They said it together to the old woman, "Ni… Ni… Ni… Ni…"_

"What's with this Ni?"

I didn't have an answer. Well, except to say Major Lorne is one talkative man during movies. Weird. And between him and Laura, there wasn't going to be any food left because she just got up to get more.

Alex retorted, "It's the sacred word that inflicts pain, weren't you listening?"

Laura laughed and sat back down with another plate of sweets. Hmm… maybe I should get more too… I got up and quickly crossed past the screen and eyed the selection. There was half a container left of Python cookies, a few of my oatmeal ones left, and almost all the lemon squares were gone. Hmm… I piled up with one of each and poured a shot of whiskey in my glass, it being my absolute last one of the night because I could feel it coming on, but if I sipped it, I should've been okay.

I plopped back down on the off-white Ancient couch on the opposite end where Alex was just as Robin and his minstrels came on screen.

There was weak hand pumping in the air at every _"There was much rejoicing"_ on my part.

Laura tittered with glee at the explosions Tim the Enchanter set off.

Lorne teased, "You would get excited over that."

"You were the one oooing at the chicks at the Castle Anthrax." She retorted.

He shot back, "If it was a castle full of scantily clad men, you'd do the same."

A voice from the door caught our attention, "Is that Monty Python and the Holy Grail?"

I spun my head around and saw a woman I recognized, "Hey Dr…" Damn it, I forgot! The physicist who walked in on me singing in the lab… "Winter." Aha! "Want to sit down?"

"Hell yeah." She promptly sat down between me and Alex.

"Oh this is Chief Alex Ramsey, our Head Chef so be nice to her." I winked and gestured to the other two, "Major Lorne and Lt. Cadman. There's some snacks and drinks left if you want some."

"Oh, yeah. Thanks." She got up and went over to the table.

Noticing how far the movie was now and that we missed a chunk, I rewinded a bit and started it again when Dr. Winter sat back down.

"_Death awaits you with big, nasty, pointy teeth."_

Us women, now four, snickered with laughter knowing what was coming while Lorne didn't laugh until the little cute fluffy white rabbit appeared and Tim the Enchanter tried to convince them of the danger of the bunny.

"Christ!" His eyes widened after the killer rabbit tore at the knights's throats.

I huffed, "_Now_ do you see why I was so afraid of the erberts, I had _that_ scene running in my head."

He scratched his head, "Yeah. You're done going to Stinea, now, right?"

"Yeah." I nodded.

Laura asked teasingly, "Not afraid of some bunnies, are you, Major?"

"I just don't want to have that playing in my head anymore than I have to."

We all laughed almost continually, especially during the Intermission, up until the ending, which was expected for all us women.

Major Lorne, not so much.

"What? Wait… that's _it_? They get arrested and it's _over_?"

"Yeah. In true Python fashion." Dr. Winter replied, grinning.

I glanced at the now black screen with the happy music from the beginning playing, and got up to eject the disc. "So, who's up for Life of Brian or some Flying Circus episodes?'

"Not me, that's all the Monty Python I can handle for one night." Major Lorne got up and stretched, looked at his watch, and put his plate and glass on the table. "You need any help cleaning up?"

"We can get it." I replied, trying to decide what I wanted to watch as the others were too.

"Okay. Good night ladies."

"Night, Major." I waved and the others said goodbye as well. He left and I swear Alex checked him out again. Could've been my imagination though.

"So, what shall it be, _ladies_?" I asked again.

"Episodes." Laura responded, garnering nods from the others.

"Okay." I slid out the first disc of Season 1, put it in the DVD player, and sat back down, but on the other couch so the four of us were equally spaced out.

We all laughed as the night wore on we burned through the discs, getting more and more tired but refusing to leave except for the group bathroom break because none of us wanted to miss something and didn't want to make the others pause the show and wait.

I shut my eyes for a moment somewhere in Season 2 and eased back into consciousness hours later to the screen stuck at the menu and everyone else still passed out.

No one ever said life in Atlantis couldn't be fun.

**The End**

**Seriously.**

**I think.**

**Yeah.**

**The End.

* * *

**

** A/N:** Well, I hope it didn't disappoint!

I have to say I never thought this would go this far. It was orginally posted as a oneshot for a challenge! I'm truly glad you all liked it.


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